It's been about a month and a half since my last journal entry. I thought about writing an entry about two weeks ago, but so many things came up that I didn't know where my thoughts were. Things now have become a bit more clear, in some respect anyway.

The last time, I had just checked out of the hospital, and raided Taco Bell. They were sorry to see me, but I think they'll be prepared next time. My ex-girlfriend, not HER rather my psycho ex, came to visit me and stayed over my house for a night. We had fun for the time she was here, but a lot of things ensued after that just didn't sit right with me. In the end, she basically was out to use me to get back with her boyfriend, who was with another girl at the time. They can have each other.

Call it crazy, buy my relationship with HER feels like it has gone higher than ever, but I guess my problem is, I almost feel like I'm the only one who feels that way. Of course anyone who has read my journals before would say things like "of course you do, you're in love with her". You know those moments in your life, where something is very wrong, and you try to cover them up when other people laugh, and you want to laugh with them, but then the thought of what is wrong comes rushing back and then your smile turns into this frown...it sorta feels that way. I can have the best time with her, any time, all the time, no matter what; We both have such a good time together, and we can laugh...but after that laughter, I hold myself back, and think about her boyfriend. Its a barrier that I wish I could overcome, because I personally don't like barriers. I think about what I'm supposed to do at the times when she brings him up and what they did that day; shoot myself in the head? I guess its not her fault she brings up him, she's probably happier than anyone when she's around him....who am I to say anything right? Though if I had to be perfectly honest, something about him doesn't sit right with me, but then again who am I to judge him, there have been a few things that ticked me off that he did. Its not my call so I won't go into it.

I've recently talked to people around me about this, and most agree "it just isn't fair that she keeps me in her life the way she does, and wants both worlds". My thing is that I'm trying to provde another world for her because I know she can't have the world I'm in....but....I've come to the conclusion that one day I know I will be sacrificed. She's told me of times where she worries that if she'll regret not being with me, but what of it? But I guess thats where this situation's famous term of things being "unfair" come into play again. Maybe it bothered me a lot when she told me "I need to give him a fair chance". Maybe it was then I realized that she might want both worlds, and while she has said that we both are "different" I just wonder who makes her happier. But honestly, there have things that she's done in the past, like blow me off for her boyfriend while I was in the hospital scared out of my life, or just not give me a call when she normally does before seeing her boyfriend (when they don't even talk on the phone, or so she claims). So part of my thinking from all this has come down to, why don't I just let them be alone, and I should go for a good while. I don't want to think of it as running away or anything, but I guess a test. If they are the real deal, she should stay happy with him for the next, oh, 6 months or so. The way I see things sometimes, is that i'm interferring too much because I do the things he doesn't. In turn, I satisfy those urges of hers that she has when she wants to do things and things carry on for both of them. Maybe she'll become the drone she felt she might turn into, or the person he wants her to be.

Its just a theory. Its worth a shot I guess, because realistically, i'm non-existant. He may know who I am, but doesn't know much of me, nor does he care that I talk to her because she's never told him our history. So as you can see, it's a tight spot to be in where you feel that the person you THINK may feel the same way about you, also feels the same about another, and it just kills me inside.

I dont know, I've just had this great time with her the past 2 weeks, and I feel me and her have gone up this level, but again maybe this is just me talking. Hehe, I feel I go in circles nowadays. Maybe I'll just end up getting dizzy and throw up one day.

Freddy

PS- Ignore my mood icon -_- IE8 was being difficult so It got stuck on my last mood...